last night DJTM and myself had to go over to get sue for the wrap party of the special formerly known as a “very starryshine christmas special,” which, as you know, morphed into the “friends of starryshine christmas special.”
i really think that sue could leave the hospital at this point. i mean, she was only in there for a bad back and no one needs to stay in the hospital that long for a bad back. i was thinking she was fakin’ it for the meds, right? she confessed that that was a pretty nice side bennie to her hospital stay but then disclosed the real reason she’s still at cedar’s — she’s having her townhouse repainted and didn’t want to commute in from the hamptons so she figured it was easier to just remain infirm for now — and plus the park 55 lacked amenities like the kickin’ meds she’s on (sue was all, “just let those jackass sheistering doctors try to say i don’t have a bad back!” and then she started up with that weird hack/cackle sound effect thing that always kind of freaks me and DJTM out).
she is, however, beginning to tire of sneaking out for four martini lunches at elaines, etc. and have-to-see-and-be-seen-at affairs like the friends of starryshine xmas wrap party. i’m totally tiring of it too! last night i had to smuggle in a party dress for her so she could wear it under her hospital gown and then we had to wait with the car service near the smoking lounge window which she was going to try sneak out of and then DUH! she couldn’t because who makes windows three flights up that you can sneak out of anymore??? especially near midtown! after numerous cell phone calls back and forth between the cedars smoking lounge and the car, she finally relented and agreed to just walk past admitting and sure enough, low and behold, no one stopped her. she acted like she was in fucken’ lockdown or something. even DJTM, who is normally so placid about that kind of thing was visibly peeved.
although we missed the actual real time broadcast of the show, sue’s shenanigans actually worked to our benefit because when we finally did get to the party, it was in full swing. when we arrived, we were greeted with a standing ovation and chants of DJTM!!! DJTM!! apparently, DJTM’s rap song was like this huge hit at the party. i didn’t even know he was like writing a rap song. i mean, i knew he was doing a song but i had no idea it was a rap.
i’m really happy for him. i truly am. there’s no reason he shouldn’t get all the recognition that i truly deserve if someone, who is not me, is going to get it. i mean, he is my man, after all. who i’m pissed at is sue. if she hadn’t been languishing in a hospital bed at cedar’s all this time, i think it’s entirely reasonable to assume that a very starryshine christmas special could’ve gone in an entirely different direction and really could’ve showcased my talents more.
on the plus side, the wrap party was at sky bar which was completely classy and very now and i’m really happy to have hosted it without having had to deal with any of the details that come with hosting a party. i basically took the deal out of details! or the de out of the details so there was only tails. something like that.
you have perhaps already surmised that i am basically fucked as far as this whole sue being in the hospital and me having to fire her due to her complete incompetence issue is concerned. even though the accident was on a main metropolitan thoroughfare where there were over fifty witnesses, all of whom are vowing to advocate tirelessly for her being incarcerated for as long as possible and fined up the ass till she’s totally impoverished, i am the one who is going to look like a complete jerk if i seek other representation at this time.
it totally sucks for me, doesn’t it? it’s too bad she didn’t die, really, when you think about it.
consequently, i’ve been being all discreet about looking for a new agent. to my dismay, i’m not getting all that much in the way of call backs. i think it’s probably because people don’t want to touch the whole sue being in the hospital thing by poaching her most valued star. and it might also be because all the agents in this town, every last one of them, is totally freakin’ incompetent and lacking in vision. of the three who did return my calls, one said that they didn’t want to get that close to someone who was so associated with the “living fast, furiously and fabulously decadent crowd,” but that i should call them when i get out of treatment. the others inquired as to who DJTM’s rep was and whether or not HE was looking around as well. i told them he was asleep and then opportunely forgot to give him the message it’s hard enough for him to be fully conscious and engaging as it is and i really think he needs to be focusing on his art and our relationship as much as possible right now.
i should just do the right thing and stick with sue. people will totally give me props for being loyal and she is bound to have some fabulously annihilating and hard to obtain ‘scrips after this accident.
so sue finally returned my calls. the operative word here being FINALLY. the fact that she returned them does not really rate at all in the grand scheme of things. what she should have been doing was initiating the whole communication process between us in the first place with hott opportunities that will build on all the momentum that i have been developing as a cosmopolitain, highly public and, as of last month, international celebutante superstar.
but is that what’s happening at all? nope. nada. no way. NUH UH! instead she is calling me up and leaving me messages like:
so glad you’re back from your travels and in touch, dear. i have loads of things in the works and will be in touch soon with the details. hope you’re well, hon.
first of all, who in the f calls anybody dear anymore anyways? and next of all, how in the f does she expect me to respond to that? does she like expect me to be in this full on rapturous state of gratitude for all the crappy non-opportunities she’s out there supposedly getting for me? like, does she expect me to be all indebted to her?
on top of all that, she totally forgot to hang up the phone after she left the message. at first i didn’t realize it. i was listening to my messages on speakerphone while i was on the treadmill and, as if i don’t have to deal with enough already, i was recently diagnosed with adult ADD and have been put on a new med that really focuses my attention on things so i was just pounding away on the treadmill and was like so focused that i lost track of the whole listening to messages deal. then all the sudden there’s this loud cracking noise braying from the speakerphone and people screaming and some guy yelling what the hell is wrong with you lady, are you drunk, are you on drugs, are you insane — you get the idea.
so then i was all, omg, did sue pass out in traffic AGAIN? she really HAS to get a driver. sure enough, it turns out she did. she’s totally in the hospital now because she like threw out her back. but luckily no one was actually harmed so hopefully she’ll only be charged with attempted vehicular homicide. is there even such a thing? i’m sure i could answer that question for you if i was on one of those hott CSI crime shows that sue has been too incompetent (and no undoubtedly too infirm) to get me cast on. i would so be all up on all the litigation lingo if she was doing her fucken’ job.
why is it that when i don’t want to talk to sue, my agent, at all, it’s like she’s constantly calling me all the time to the point where it’s like ludicrous and then when i’m trying to find her so i can fire her and put some closure on our relationship, she’s like nowhere to be found for days and days?
as loyal readers will recall, i recently determined that certain people are getting more opportunities and publicity than i am than i am and that it’s not because they’re inherently better or prettier than me or anything like that, it’s just that they probably have better representation than me and so therefore they can’t really be faulted and i am still their loyal friend and everything and really what i need to do is just need fire my agent instead.
as if i needed anymore confirmation that sue is a has been loser wannabe liability of an agent, i saw everything i needed to see this afternoon upon awakening. since i have been back from ibiza and settling into domestic bliss with DJTM, i haven’t really been as disciplined as i should be about my exercise routine. i’m aware that my public expects me to look unattainably attractive at all times, so i generally spend eight hours a day maintaining my doll like beauty (unless i’m on a total bender, then i just blow it off with little remorse). but lately since this whole domestic bliss is going on ive actually been getting kind of bored so since we’ve been back, ive been generally been spending about three hours a day working out.
this afternoon was no exception. i woke up a little before three o’clock, checked DJTM’s pulse to make sure his sleep wasn’t too overmedicated (he was totally fine, i was just being kind of a worrier), then i smoked three cigarettes, chugged a double tall soy latte, turned on the TV and started a four mile treadmill run after speed-dialing my on call pilates teacher to come over and work me out.
you are not going to believe who i saw on TV, starryshine devotees. that fucking actor who dumped me after two dates for that fat vegan actress/activist from hell. he told me that he was questioning everything and needed to be with someone who was clear about their convictions and wasn’t drunk all the time. i hadn’t heard anything from him or about him for months and assumed he had faded into some kind of a loser like obscurity. not true. he totally has a part on this hot new show about a detective team that is being chased around by a reality TV crew and all the ethical problems that arise from that arrangement. it’s kind of like an un-real real time cops. i totally remember being at the whitney gala last month before i took off for europe and talking to some producer who said they were trying to cast for a small recurring role that i would maybe good for. i remember thinking that i had to remember to talk to sue about getting her to get me in there to meet with their people and then i don’t think i ever did. but that’s beside the point — the point is that she should be on top of that shit!
i was so glad my pilates teacher was there to work me out afterwards because i was fucking raging and took all that aggression out on working out my abs. since then ive been calling sue and leaving messages with her service about how she has to call me so i can fire her and she has yet to get back to me. i’m also trying to wake up DJ TM and get us a reservation at café luxembourg for me for our approximately three week anniversary. so as you can see, i’m a bit slammed so that’s it for today.
DJ TM and myself were hitting the clubs last night and somehow wound up at bilboquet, of all places which was basically what it was, is and always will be — BORING, old school a listers looking around for the least boring and most happening a lister on the premises. that night it just happened to be me, so i let people try to talk to me and DJ TM until i was bored out of my frikkin mind. then i did what i do when things get drab and my man is taking a drug and fatigue induced disco nap, i whipped out my Tmobile and texted and surfed. it’s not that the company was any more trifling than usual, it was more about me really. basically, i am still getting over how much i missed out on and how much momentum was lost when i was out of the country last month and i have this unshakeably perilous feeling that i have a lot to catch up on or i will be left behind.
it is an endless struggle for the modern woman, y’know? and despite our better clothes, surgical procedures and prescription medications, heiress model actresses (AKA HAM’s) are no exception to the whole man-or-career-focal-point conundrum. i mean, don’t get me wrong, blog watching biatches, i have no doubts that i was absotively in the right place at the right time last month. i mean, I totally met the man of my dreams in a jet setting environment that endlessly struggling faceless hordes like yourselves wouldn’t even dare to dream of — nonetheless, it irks me out to no end to come back to my peers basking in this kind of publicity in my absence.
i mean, i know that this is good for all of us HAM’s really and, as per usual, paris has my undying love and respect for once again being the be all end all of trendsetting trailblazing enigmatic celebutantes. i mean, i’m basically just completely awestruck trying to figure how she does it. how does she go from the pages of tabloids to major business news weeklies, all while bouncing from one greek shipping heir to the another?
ive actually figured it out and what ive determined still makes it possible for me to maintain my long standing friendship with paris and not get all down on myself in the process. how do i put this delicately? basically, ive come to the conclusion that i have to fire my agent.
can we please stop? can we please stop with the hating already?
all right already! i have read your scathing emails and i know that my initial remarks about hurricane katrina may have, when taken out of context, seemed somewhat callous and lame but since bearing televised witness to the devastation and damage of this totally lame natural disaster, i have been doing all i can to help out!
i really tried to at any rate.
especially after i read about the numerous a listers who were heading down there to give aid to and, i suspect, party with the refugees of the storm.
so i consulted with sue, who was all, “you’re right, we’ve got to get you down to houston right away. the photo op’s will be priceless and the parties will be to die for.”
so i’m all psyched and i’m assembling a special disaster relief wardrobe for the trip and sugar’s like getting my travel package together but then i have to send her out to get me a latte because it’s that time of day, and so she hands the phone to me because she’s on hold, waiting to talk to the travel agent and she’s been on simply FOREVER and she’s afraid that we’ll never get through. so i’m all trying to select the exact right pair of daisy duke shorts that will have me be the most effective in helping the refugees and the travel agent comes on the line and starts like totally barking flight itineraries and orders at me. like she totally wants me to pick a time to leave, and expects me to just have all of that crap together, right?
so i’m doing OK with that, i’m all, no, nothing before 1 PM, yes, first class, please, and i’m all sucking it up and being understanding that i probably won’t be able to get a separate hotel suite for my shoe collection as usual because i understand that this is a crisis and that i have to make sacrifices and everything. so then she’s all, “OK, i can fly you into houston’s hobby airport on the 3:15 in first class accommodations on a flight with a full bar, per your request.”
to which i replied, “hobby airport? i want to go to the real airport. not the one for model planes.”
and she totally starts laughing at me and i’m all what? and she’s all, nothing. and i’m all, no! tell me right now, what is it?? and she’s all, hobby airport is one of the three major airports in the houston area, ma’am. i can assure you that it is for actual, not model planes.”
and then she FULLY starts snickering, like not even hiding it, right? so i basically tell her to f off and totally slam the phone down on her and sugar comes back with my latte and i’m all just forget about houston! how am i supposed to help the refugees if no one is going to take me seriously! GOD! just make me reservations at macaroon’s so i can get the f out of here and go party already. god.
i got the most annoying call from sue whilst in the midst of a shopping excursion at bergdorf’s this afternoon.
there i was, all trying really hard to decide if there’s ever any reason to get anything juicy couture anymore and just, you know, contemplating whether or not it’s totally played out beyond all reason at this point, when she calls me ALL LOSING IT over me blowing off my sunday lunch with the producers for that indie-esque crime caper flick.
i totally forgot about it! but it’s all good cuz i think i may have given her the best excuse EVER.
i told her i was at p diddy’s pre MTV awards show bash and that i could have like died because of the hurricane.
she was all, “what hurricane?”
then i was all, “didn’t you READ about it? do you even READ, sue? I COULD HAVE LIKE DIED!”
so then i totally forwarded her that article i started reading the other day from my t-mobile and i could tell she kind of knew i wasn’t there and that i didn’t almost die or anything, but she played it off like she forgot to put it in her calendar or something — like that she completely spaced it that i was going down there and like it was her people’s scheduling bad and she was going to have to fire somebody.
i am going to use the tactic of making her feel bad about not reading more often. i found it to be a most effective strategy in getting her off my fucken’ case, yo. unfortunately i still have to meet with the producer posse though. i think it’s like tomorrow but maybe it’s tonight. i can’t f-ing remember. why should i even be expected to remember something like that when i’m all getting my shop on, yo?
anyways, i’m still kind of irritated that my shopping thoughts were disrupted like that so i can’t deal with figuring that out right now.
omg. sue is being kind of patently ridiculous about me making it to the set of that new age CSI show on time today. she left me this rather irate message saying all this crap like i better be there on time because these people are very serious do-the-work-and-get-the job-done-industry-types and that they’re like aware of my party girl reputation or some such shit like that. well let me tell you something serious — i’m seriously thinking about telling her that she can fuck right off. i mean, she was seriously totally rude to say it all abrupt like that and it kinda hurt my feelings. i’m always really fragile before i perform and she should know that by now and be sensitive to it. i can’t believe that she would do this to me when what i really need right now, is her support, encouragement, reassurance, understanding, flattery and possibly her anti-seizure medication so i can get this job done right.
what she doesn’t know is that i am totally dedicated to doing this job really professionally and superbly. so dedicated in fact that i haven’t eaten anything since she told me about it yesterday at lunch (so i could lose any potentially fattening H20 weight that might make me look less than totally hott). and she should also know that BECAUSE i wanted to make sure that i got there on time tomorrow, i didn’t even go to bed after i left the china club tonight.
i mean, got there on time friday after i left last night.
wait. i mean, get there on time today.
oh, you know what i mean.
OK. i’m going to go like stare off into space or watch infomercials or play grand prix or do something else semi-mind-consuming but not constructive while i wait for the car service to get here.
so sue in fact DOES have some work for me. she wasn’t just talking completely oblivious doody to me about that. i met her today on the early side — like around 2:00 PM-ish at the gilsey for a light lunch and some afternoon cocktails.
she said i was late but i wasn’t THAT late. and it totally wasn’t my fault that i was late.
how is it my effing fault that when i finally get there this hottie crew member of THE hippest hip hop mogul of the moment’s entourage was all chatting me up? at least i think he was chatting me up. oh ex-squeeze me but fo’ sho’ he was chatting me up! as if! (as in, as if he could be doing anything else but that, right?). i mean, he pulled that whole, “do i know you from somewhere routine?” which i thought that only like guys from ancient eras long ago did at this point. and i was all, um, yeah, hu-llo, hottie hip hop mogul associate dude, you have probably like seen me EVERYWHERE, OK? if not in the flesh, than fo’ sho’ on page six, biotch! but he straight up persisted in this whole ruse of acting like, no, i totally know you from somewhere and then he was all, whyn’t you come by the china club tonight, gurl? you kin hang wit da fellas ‘n me – ______ gonna be ‘dere. (________ is of course the aforementioned hip hop mogul guy who SHALL remain nameless — sorry gawker stalker trolling losers).
i played it pretty cool of course because a playah like me’s gotta, right? so i was all, maybe i’ll stop by, like real non-committal like. but he’s pretty effin’ hot so i’m thinkin’ why in the eff shouldn’t i stop by? i’ll see if i can get my brand new posse to go with me.
oh, and when i did get to the table what is sue doing? she’s friggin’ fucken’ asleep, yo! sheezuz! as everyone surely knows, i am all for a drug free america and everything but can’t you wait until AFTER your power lunches to take your medication? why can’t she just drink in the afternoon like everyone else? show some moderation and discretion for eff’s sake. so I knock her upside the head to wake her up and she immediately starts yammering at ME about being late! again, i say, as if. AS IF.
so anyways, she got me two days of work on this new CSI type of show that sounds really innovative, ground-breaking and interesting. instead of forensic investigators, the show’s main character-crimes solvers use their new age skills and powers to fight crime. i know what you’re thinking. you’re thinking they’re all psychics, right? well, there are of course the obligatory crime scene investigators with psychic powers but there’s also like this one pretty original character who is like a reiki expert or something and they use their reiki-ing know how to like catch serial killers or something.
they don’t even want me to read for the part. the producers just want me to come in tomorrow. although the only thing that effen’ sucks is that they want me to be on the set in the morning. oh the horrors! have you ever heard of such an absurd notion as starryshine being somewhere in the AM???? oh the price of fame.
i’m still going to china club tonight. you kin bet yer freakalicious booty i am.
i never told you about what happened with my manager, did i? i mean, i know i told you about the whole paris, texas hellish nightmare thing that happened. i mean, i think i did. yes, i did. i did that. i know i did. but i never told you about what happened after that, did i? no, i didn’t. yeah, i didn’t think i did that.
so here goes-ies!:
first of all, let me just say that my manager can be pretty cool most of the time, which is why i’m giving her another chance to like try really hard to prove herself to me. like, after the whole paris hilton in paris, texas debacle, i totally told her in no uncertain terms that there are plenty of other management options for an emerging model-actress-heiress like myself and that i would not hesitate to whip out my t mobile and make contact and was in fact no longer hesitating and in fact totally doing it. i mean, i left her like tons of messages saying that and i was like pretty clear about it, right but she just kept like calling me and saying, oh, we’ve got this and we’ve got that and you need to go read for this like i had never even asserted myself, right? I KNOW! like fully disrespecting me basically.
like picture this, right, i show up at centrico with this high powered posse full of totally attractive and fashion forward people who i had just met and was growing to love dearly. and of course we like don’t have a reservation or anything because sugar completely fucked up (which is like a whole ‘nother story that i can’t even get into right now, but basically, it’s not because i didn’t tell her that i was going to meet a whole new bunch of really fabulous and interesting people – like we’re all basically in agreement that she should just KNOW that i am going to meet a whole bunch of interesting and fabulous people, right? i mean, that, in and of itself is obvious, right? she should just KNOW that and not get all plexxed with me and refuse to talk to me because i kicked her ass to the curb for not following up with me to see if i needed a reservation. whatev’s, biotch. so anyways, yeah, we’re not talking).
so, basically, i’m standing there telling the hostess biotch what’s what and sue (for the uninitiated and uninformed, sue of sue cross management is my manager) comes up to me and acts like nothing’s wrong and tries to plant this like euro kiss on my cheek. like, she’s totally oblivious, right? like she’s just being completely obtuse and acting like she never got those messages or that i’m not like completely ready to go nuclear.
so i look at her and i’m about to tell her how she can totally eff off in a big eff-ing way and then i look her straight in the eye and i’m all… girlfriend! i want some of what you’re on! no wonder you’re so freakin’ oblivious!!!
but i didn’t say that, right? i mean, come on, you KNOW i wouldn’t say that! i mean, it’s centrico and centrico is like totally hott right now! so i just like said instead, my dear we need to chat in the ladies room.
so then we went to the ladies lounge and she completely hooked me up.
then we talked about how she’s got these like auditions for me and made plans to do lunch like tom afternoon i think.
OK. gotta go, my brand new posse’s here, biotches. ttyl.