my encounter with the authorities
i am so completely and totally mistreated and misunderstood.
i just got out of jail.
why does this kind of thing always happen to ME?
i don’t understand what i’ve done to deserve this kind of treatment from law enforcement officials. i mean, i pay someone to pay my taxes for me and don’t litter on purpose unless i need to get rid of an open container in a hurry, so why am i forced to endure this kind of humiliation? i would think that i would be above this kind of thing, not because i’m like better than people like courtney love or nick nolte but because everyone knows that, for the most part, getting arrested is a function of age, disheveled looks and dwindling career opportunities and none of those things are factors that i have to contend with.
so there we were, me and DJTM, and we’re all totally waiting to get a table at little giant (which is like this whole other indignity that i won’t even get into to) and who should walk in with his entourage and like get a table with no problemo? none other than mr. i’m going to sue your ass for sexual harassment when i’m the one who initiated the full gluteal massages that i lovingly gave you on a regular basis during the development of the very starryshine xmas special. that’s right, biotches, that DICK aaron, the producer. so he totally sees me, right? he totally sees me and like nods at me like he’s not totally suing me and like he’s so much better than me because he’s got a table and me and my emerging rap star boyfriend are like not good enough. well, as you can imagine, i did not even stand for that for like one second and totally tarted beating him on top of the head with my fendi clutch.
so then i’m like restrained by the wait staff and some good samaritan ass wipe restaurant patron biotches until the police get there and aaron like freaks out and insists that they like remand me to custody and DJTM is like nowhere to be found in all the melee to explain that none of this was my fault because dickhead aaron’s lawsuit totally provoked me. then i get taken down to the station and had to be like booked and everything and finally DJTM comes with the car service to pick me up after whit’s lawyer posts bond for me.
it took DJTM far too fucking long to get there. you can bet i totally smacked him upside the head with my fendi so now it’s all bent funny. i’m totally not talking to him until he buys me a new one.